Even In Death
by Ariane-072
Summary: Dex Taylor is the newest and youngest member of the BAU. He has suffered a lot in his lifetime and struggles with schizophrenia, suicidal thoughts, and an unexplainable twitch that just won't go away. Sooner or later he has to face the truth, but for now, he struggles to accept the death of his daughter, and leans on girlfriend Emma for support. But Emma is not as she seems...


_I can't forget this._

_Goddamnit, universe, you've gone too far this time. I can't forget. I can't live with this. You've taken too much. You took my faith, my trust, half my goddamned _family_, you even took some of my sanity, but stopped short of taking my life. WHY? That plane crash, I should have died. God knows I wanted to. Why couldn't you just let me die? And then when that psycho shot me last month. Why didn't I die then? Why not grant me that one kindness? You've taken so much. Too much. Have my life. I don't want it._

Dex paced, agitated, occasionally twitching. He was aware of Emma's eyes following him, but made a conscious decision to pay her no heed. He never got a moment to himself anymore. There was always someone watching him, whether it was Emma, or one of his colleagues in the Behavioural Analysis Unit. He understood why, he understood their concern, but he wished someone would see that they simply delayed the inevitable.

"Dexter," Emma said.

"What?" Dex winced at how sharp his voice sounded and made an effort to soften his face. More gently, he added, "What is it?"

Emma was trembling. Dex briefly wondered why, then realized, and felt even worse. Emma was _afraid of him._ What worthless kind of monster was he, if someone as fearless as Emma responded to him with naked fear?

"Don't do it," Emma eventually pleaded. "I know what you're thinking. Don't do it. Do you have any idea how many people you would hurt if you gave in?"

"I'm sorry…" Dex stopped pacing and put his back to a wall. Everything he did hurt someone in some way or another. His struggle against the schizophrenia and resulting depression tore his mother apart, and if he tried to hide it, Mom saw right through him and it was worse. If he gave up, he would hurt Emma. His work in the BAU hurt _him_ sometimes, and the unsubs a lot of the time. Even though serial killers were the scum of the earth and didn't deserve to live or be happy, Dex could not justify sending them to hell.

"Don't."

"Don't what?" Dex didn't know what not to do. If he tried to avoid hurting people, he always hurt them worse. If he didn't try to avoid it, he really _would_ be a monster.

"Apologize! It's not your fault. Now go take a chill pill. That twitching is seriously distracting me. And you forgot your morning dose again."

_I didn't forget. I neglected to take it. There's a difference._ "I don't need you treating me like a child, Emma. I'm schizophrenic, not retarded."

"I know that, but do you know how prickly you are when you're skipping your meds? Oh, and last I checked twitching was not a normal sign of schizophrenia. Seriously, Dex, go get a second opinion. That psych was an idiot. Kept trying to tell me I was depressed, and all because I was in a bad mood that day…."

Dex tuned out. Emma could ramble all day and demand nothing more than nods and grunts in the right places. Her constant chatter was something he endured rather than enjoyed, though it did provide some background noise to help drown out the voices.

His cell buzzed. He was still so wired, he jumped. Fishing it out of his pocket, he sighed. It was either Mom again, demanding another visit, or Hotch with an out of state job. The latter, he wouldn't mind so much, but the former was a terrifying prospect. Mom fussed even more than Emma did.

"Well?" Emma asked expectantly.

"Mm," Dex said, mostly to shut her up. "Taylor."

"Dex, good, I didn't expect you to pick up so easily. Not today."

He had been trying to forget about that. "What is it, Hotch?"

"Look, I hate to ask this of you, but we have four missing children in Minneapolis. All redheaded girls between the ages of four and eight, all taken within the last two days. We need your expertise. Are you up to it?"

By now, everyone on the BAU knew Dex hated flying. Ever since that plane crash, he really struggled to keep his composure anywhere near an aircraft. Flying to an out of state job was challenging enough. On top of that… Dex cut off the thought. "Anything to keep another father from losing his little girl." _Lauren…_

Emma sidled closer and wrapped an arm around his waist. Dex twitched, but managed otherwise to control the urge to move away. He had always been a little funny about physical contact and after the past couple of weeks he just wanted five minutes to himself.

"Like I said, Dex, I hate to ask. I really do. Especially today, of all days."

Dex sighed. "When do you want me there?"

"We're meeting at the airstrip in an hour. No time for a full briefing at HQ."

"I'll be there. Airstrip. One hour."

"Good."

Dex hung up, then slid down the wall to sit on the floor. He barely noticed Emma follow suit.

_We failed you, Lauren. We knew he was going to come for you, and he still got you. We knew where he was taking you, and he still evaded us. We knew exactly what he was planning, and yet, here I sit, on your birthday, without you. We know who he is, and we have evidence and an arrest warrant, and we know where he is now, but we still can't arrest the bastard. I've never known the system to fail so utterly._

Emma's deft little hands stroked his arm from elbow to wrist. It was her way of expressing sympathy. "I can't even begin to imagine how you-."

"Don't bother. My daughter is _dead_. She was taken from me by a sick bastard who _gets his rocks off_ murdering little girls. I knew he was coming. The whole goddamned _team_ knew he was coming. We didn't do enough. If I had my way I would sentence him to death by firing squad, and then make sure I was on the firing squad. And probably sentence myself to death for my own stupidity when I was done with getting revenge."

"That's exactly what I'm worried about. What we're _all _worried about. It wasn't your fault! When are you going to get that through your thick skull?"

Dex got up and went upstairs. He had to pack, and it would give him a few moments alone. Or so he hoped. Frustratingly, Emma followed, retriever-like in her loyalty and determination. It was kind of cute, Dex acknowledged, but still irritating.

"Is it really too much to ask for five seconds alone?"

"Yes, it is." Emma watched him patiently, gaze even, and held her ground when Dex threw his toothbrush into a suitcase hard enough it bounced back out. He turned to face her, expression stormy, and took two long strides to stand well inside her personal space.

"Leave. Me. Alone."

"No. Wait – listen!" Emma grabbed his wrist as he tried to turn away. "Yes, it _is_ too much to ask for five seconds on your own. Five seconds is more than enough time for you to- to-."

Dex sat down heavily on the bed. It creaked in protest. "I'm sorry."

"For God's sake stop apologizing to me!" It was Emma's turn to get into Dex's personal space and it would have been comical in better circumstances. Dex was nearly a foot taller than Emma and over a hundred and fifty pounds heavier.

"I keep forgetting L-Lauren's as much a part of your life as she is of mine." He choked over the name, but forced it out anyway. Avoiding saying her name would cause problems of its own.

"Go have a shower. I'll pack for you. And if you do anything stupid I swear I will make your life a living hell." Emma started stuffing things into Dex's suitcase. "Don't know how long you'll be there so I'll pack for a decent stay."

"I hope it's not one of those horrible drawn-out cases," Dex said with a resigned sigh. "I don't know how I'll survive the _flight_, forget the actual case."

"Go. I'll join you in a minute. You're nearly packed. Why is it that when I pack for someone else, their stuff always fits in the one case, and when I'm packing for myself, I always have three or four cases just for me?"

Dex snorted. "Because you're female and therefore can't be seen in the same thing twice. Ever. I swear you have a million pairs of shoes."

"And a thousand dresses I never wear, and a few hundred pairs of slacks and jeans, and… trust me, honey, I've heard it all before. From you, in fact."

"I'm just glad _you_ pay for it all," Dex said with a faint smile. "I might be the loaded one but I prefer to invest in things that expand my assets both short- and long-term. One well-tailored suit, a few t-shirts and a few pairs of jeans does me just fine. It was Lauren I spoiled."

"We both spoiled her. You still haven't told me if you're religious or not and if so what you believe but to hell with it – I believe that now it's her turn to spoil us."

"I don't believe in anything," Dex said slowly. "Not even myself. And I don't believe you're real, so you don't quite count as something to believe in either."

* * *

Hotch watched as Dex Taylor approached, chatting animatedly to someone who wasn't there. The agent frowned to himself. This was exactly what he had been afraid would happen after poor little Lauren Taylor's abduction and murder. Lauren was all that had kept Dex's head above water for some time now.

It was concerning that Taylor, probably the most talented profiler the BAU had ever seen, was suffering a particularly bad episode at that point in time. Hotch needed him firing on all cylinders on this case. It was concerning – but not surprising.

"We need to keep a close eye on him," he said to Prentiss. "It looks like he thinks he's talking to Emma. Nobody says anything about Emma's death, all right? No 'was', no past tense at all."

"We'll take care of him," Garcia promised sadly. "He needs us. All of us."

"Amen to that," JJ agreed.

"Not surprised he's struggling," Morgan commented. "Daughter and housemate-slash-girlfriend of four years both murdered by the same guy, who we can't even arrest? I'd take that hard too."

"Enough," Hotch said, silencing the rest of the team. "Dex can't hear us talking about recent tragic events. Not now. I just hope his Emma is as good for him as the real Emma was."

"So do I," Rossi agreed. "He's clinging to the edge for dear life. It won't take much to push him over it."

"Suddenly I'm not sure bringing him in on this was a good idea."

"Nonsense, Hotch, we'll take care of him," Garcia asserted. "He won't be alone for a second."


End file.
